Recapping the draft from a non-football perspective

Highlighting the most entertaining, ridiculous, and memorable people, performances, and moments from the 2019 NFL Draft.

Before, during and after the draft, you see all kinds of well-worn listicles — draft crushes, stock ups and downs, winners and losers, and of course, the all-powerful draft grades. I could avoid these cliches and come up with my own original idea for a column, but that sounds like a lot of work.

Instead, I’m leaning into it, and using all the cliches. I took a handful of each, tossed them into a blender, and hit every button from “mix” to “frappe.” I even hit “pulse” despite having no idea what that actually does.

Let’s pour it out and taste this concoction!

Winner: Anyone on a couch

The scene outside the draft on the streets of Nashville was completely insane.

The NFL says more than 600,000 people showed up to watch the draft this weekend — more than 100,000 before it even started. The scene was so crazy, local officials had to tell people not to be afraid.

Personally, I’m terrified and I wasn’t even there. The thought of all those NFL zealots braving travel, traffic, noise, blaring music, more drunk morons than you could count, and even Seahawk fans(!) shakes me to my core. All that just to see what the rest of us were watching on TV from the comfort of our homes — except without the HD TV, color commentary, and proximity to an unoccupied toilet.

And that was before it started raining.

Imagine buying a plane ticket, paying for a hotel room, taking the time and effort to dress like a Viking, painting your face for an hour, and making your way through crowded city streets just so you could stand in the rain to watch your team draft a center, and being this happy about it:

Football is a hell of a drug.

Stock down: Mel Kiper’s hair

Kiper’s coif has been at least as famous as he is for as long as any of us can remember. And there’s been good reason for that. If you don’t believe me, feast your eyes on this:

For years, people just stood in slack-jawed wonder at his glorious locks, which made him appear so ageless, some thought he was a vampire. But his once-stout hairline has been losing the field position battle for some time, even causing him to change his hairstyle. Still, it was a little jarring tuning in this year to find his once luxurious, mystical mane backed up deep in its own end. And not just for me.

If Mel’s hair was an offense, it would run up the middle three times, just hoping to gain enough ground to punt safely out of its end zone.

Robert Frost was right, nothing gold can stay.

Steve Keim’s QB moves — Grade: C-

People love Arizona’s draft. But whatever you think about the selection of Kyler Murray — maybe the Cardinals landed themselves a franchise QB, maybe not — the way they got there was highly questionable and completely laughable.

That’s a lot of money to spend on guys you don’t believe in. Oh, and as late as the morning of draft day Keim was still telling defensive linemen he might draft them. Seems like a case of Cardinal Confusion.

And once Keim decided who he actually wanted, he greatly overestimated what he could get for Josh Rosen.

Even once they found a trading partner in Miami, the Dolphins refused to give up their second round pick, trading back to lessen the trade value.

You could say Keim did well to get a 2nd rounder when they were left with a distressed asset they had to rid themselves of, but he’s the one who distressed the value, and spent first, third and fifth round picks on the asset to begin with. Even if Keim ended up with the right guy, he never controlled the situation at any point. Which isn’t the first time for him.

Stock down, then up: Josh Rosen

Meanwhile, Rosen was like a guy who worries his girl spends too much time with her guy friend, but she keeps saying “You need to worry about Kyler, he’s like my brother.” Then he finds out his suspicions were well-founded and they’re having an affair, only he can’t move out until their lease is up, so he has to listen to them getting it on in the next room while he tries to sleep.

Rosen’s trade to a QB-hungry Dolphins fanbase was like that same guy finally moving out and meeting a girl who’s been screwed over by jerks for years and is thrilled to finally find a nice guy who’ll treat her right. I wish those crazy kids the best, but we all know what happens to nice guys. For now at least they look happy together.

Still, it must be weird for Rosen. Especially since Keim and Kingsbury keep calling to assure him he’s still their guy.

Draft crush: Christian Wilkins

When I saw Wilkins enter the draft, I was intrigued.

When I saw his jacket, and his quotes, I was amused.

When I saw his dance moves after Clemson won the national championship, I was amazed.

When I saw him take the stage and chest-bump Goodell, I was pumped.

When he became emotional in his post-draft interview, saying he tries to take the field every game to honor his grandfather (who was accidentally shot by police when Wilkins was 14), I was moved.

When I heard how he dubbed the Clemson D-line “The Power Rangers” and saw the clip of them all dressed as such, I knew this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Loser: Fashion

As always, the draft provided insight into players decision-making abilities mountains of game film never could. Let’s honor the questionable choices with some hardware.

Bronze medal: Kyler Murray

Someone downstairs doesn’t. Not so much the pink pinstripes (“pink-stripes?”), but the double-breasted vest (“double-vested?”), and double pockets are a bit much. That’s a lot of daring fashion on such a small body. Maybe he thought the pinstripes would make him look taller. Maybe he thought the vest would make him look thicker. Maybe he thought he’d need the extra pockets to carry all his cash. Or maybe he thought the choice of pink would make people question something other than his height. Your guess is as good as mine.

Silver: Devin Bush

Is that a sling? Did he hurt his shoulder? Were the Steelers aware of this before they traded up to draft him? So many questions!

Seriously, I could post these all day.

Gold: Vince Wilfork and D’Angelo Williams

At least Murray and Bush are rookies. What are Wilfork and Williams’ excuses?

Winner: New York Jets

Not because I loved their draft, but because they officially passed the mantle as the New York team fans love to ridicule on draft day to the Giants.

To be honest, I was pretty bummed when they drafted Quinnen Williams, who many had in the conversation with Nick Bosa as the best talent in the draft. I prefer it when the Jets screw things up. I’m not alone. As I said last year, I always look forward to the ESPN montage celebrating their ineptitude.

But riding in on a white horse to deliver me the delicious schadenfreude I crave was my knight in shining armor, Dave Gettleman. He picked Duke QB Daniel Jones at #6, when he would’ve likely been there at the Giants 17th pick (no matter what Gettleman claims).

Giants fans did not approve.

In fact, some were downright displeased. Upset even. (NSFW)

Everybody else was pretty entertained, though.

It also left a lot of people imagining things.

And while we’re imagining things, imagine being this guy:

The Jets weren’t the only beneficiaries of Gettleman’s folly. It overshadowed the Raiders reach for Clellin Ferrell at #4.

When you make the Raiders look good by comparison, that’s a red flag.

Stock up: Grown men crying

Lots of tears were shed in Nashville. One of the highlights of the draft is watching players’ emotional reactions to their dreams coming true. This year, Rashan Gary perfected the “ugly cry.”

I haven’t seen a guy bawl like that since, well, the last time I watched Brian’s Song. More on that coming up soon in my top 10 football movie countdown (SPOILER ALERT).

Draft crush: Kaleb McGary

Nobody deserved tears of joy more than Kaleb McGary.

Believe it or not, it gets worse.

To endure all that and end up a first round draft pick in the NFL? Well, that’s some Andy Dufresne stuff right there.

“Never beaten,” indeed. (NSFW)

Loser: NFL Network

It’s cool to bash ESPN, and every year it seems time to make the switch over to the NFL Network for the draft. But every year the NFL Network bores me. Rich Eisen is great, but like any point guard, a host is only as good as the guys he can dish it to. And when it’s bland stiffs like David Shaw and Kurt Warner, you’re in trouble. Daniel Jeremiah isn’t bad, but he’s no Kiper when it comes to entertainment value.

Besides, where else are you going to find trying-way-too-hard graphics like this:

ESPN also had the all the best lines of the draft, even when they weren’t their own:

Trey Wingo on Joe Thomas’ message to Jonah Williams at the combine: “From one 73 to another: Drink beer, eat food, be happy.”

Or when they didn’t even mean to:

Louis Riddick on Josh Jacobs: “This guy will finish on you.”

I have things I’d like to say about that, but I’ll reserve comment in honor of site decorum.

And sometimes, they even managed to be prophetic:

Trey Wingo before the Raiders #4 pick: “Here’s the problem with the Raiders: Sometimes they do things that don’t make sense.”

Raiders fans after the #4 pick:

The best the NFL Network could do was Steve Smith acting a fool.

Pete’s Carroll’s deal — Grade: F

Maybe Carroll is insecure about being old. Maybe he’s worried about losing his receiver. Or maybe he’s just a goofball. Either way, Carroll went overboard to show he’s still the cool dad.

First, to avoide being upstaged by DK Metcalf showing up at his pre-draft meeting shirtless, ol’ Pete ditched his shirt, too.

When that apparently didn’t raise his street cred enough, he thought jamming some Motown tunes on draft day might do the trick.

He did everything but roam the halls of high schools in a backwards baseball cap carrying a skateboard.

Daniel Snyder, talent evaluator — Grade: A

It was clear before the draft Snyder wanted Dwayne Haskins.

The odds of the pick climbed once the terrifying news hit that Snyder was “taking over” the first round of his team’s draft. Just imagine hearing that about Jed York. (Excuse me while I vomit.)

That raised the odds of Washington trading up to ensure Diminutive Dan got his man.

After all, he’s done this before.

But then, a funny thing happened: Snyder kept his powder dry. He didn’t shoot his draft wad and move up — despite reportedly looking into it. He didn’t play into the hands of the Raiders or Giants, either of whom could’ve gotten their top pick at the Redskins slot and added much-needed draft capital in the process. He waited patiently (a new wrinkle is his playbook), and was rewarded when Haskins dropped into his lap.

And Washington wasn’t done there. They also moved up into the end of the first round to nab Montez Sweat, a hot prospect (mocked as high as fifth overall) before he was a ticking bomb being removed from teams boards, which was before he reportedly got a reprieve on draft day and became an apparent steal.

With all that in mind, The Ringer’s Danny Kelly gave them an A+ and an A- for their first round picks. Suddenly, everyone in Washington is happy and hopeful. Well, everyone except the head coach.

Winner: Reggie Wayne

Ex-players announcing draft picks has become a tradition at this point. So has ex-players trolling their old divisional rivals while doing so. David Akers performance last year in Dallas was probably the standard-bearer coming into this year’s draft. It’s not anymore.

Stock up: Meditation

My ESPN feed cut out for eight minutes over the weekend, and I experienced something foreign and scary.

There were no talking heads, no highlight packages, no music. Just silence.

There were no graphics of the best players still available, no crowd shots, no live looks at football players staring down at their phones. Just a black screen.

The peace and quiet was so revelatory, I had an epiphany. I’d been looking at screens so long, awash in a sea of sights and sounds, I’d forgotten what it was like to just be. It was glorious.

Then the feed came back and I watched 10 more hours of draft coverage.